Musical Chairs

Despite the fact that I think our last date was a complete disaster, I agreed to see Scott again when he called me yesterday. And now I’m regretting it.

Josh and I were talking when he called, and Josh told me I should just be honest with him about not wanting to see him again, but when I called him back, he asked me out to see a movie I’d mentioned wanting to see. I’m weak. I waffled. Maybe I was feeling optimistic.

Really, I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He is so nice. He just clearly has poor decision making skills. Besides, going to a movie’s not really a date. You're in a darkened theater. You could be sitting next to anyone. You might as well be alone. Really, it’s a non-date. Still, I don’t even want to go on a non-date with this guy.

I call him to break the date, and he’s totally cool about it. He’s so cool, that I catch myself wondering why I’m breaking the date in the first place. But I remind myself to be strong. Best to cut these things off before they go too far. I tell him that I’m stressed out because of work, not a complete lie.

As a matter of fact, as I’m getting off the phone with him, I realize that I am really stressed, and I suddenly get the urge to run away from home. I call Josh.

“Hey! How’s your day?” I ask.

“Good,” he says. “How was yours?”

“Good,” I say and think, To hell with the formalities. “What are you doing the last weekend of the month?”

“Um, I really haven’t planned that far ahead,” he says. “What do you have in mind?”

“Well, I really need to get out of town,” I say.

“Paige, is everything okay?”

“Yes,” I say. “No. I don’t know. I just really need to get out of here.”

“Do you know how much a plane ticket to Portland will cost?”

“No,” and then, “It doesn’t matter.”

He’s quiet for a minute and then says, “Well, if you want to do it, I’ll make myself available.”

“Okay. I’ll check on flights,” I say.

“I’ll see what the kids have going on,” he says.

I get home and check the flights. I can get a flight out of Tampa on Southwest much cheaper than I thought. Josh has taken his daughter swimming, and I wait for him to call before I buy the ticket.

I'm feeling a little apprehensive about what he's going to say. I was being impulsive when I suggested the trip, and now I'm having second thoughts.

Two hours later, I'm still waiting for him to call.

I send him a text: “R U still swimming? Or R U thinking?”

“Thinking,” is what he sends back.

We always do this. We both agree that we’d be great together, but one of us always backs out.

In a way, I’m relieved, because I know he loves me and doesn’t want to screw up what we’ve got, which is pretty great. And I don’t want to screw it up, either. Plus, I know what’s motivating this sudden urge to get out of town. I know what will happen if I fly out to see him. And I know that it’s not worth it.

Still, I wonder how long you can dance around something before the song finally ends.