Mr. Unavailable

Dear Cute Guy,

I'm writing to inform you that I cannot date you as you fall into one of the following categories. You are either:

1) Married to a wonderful woman who actually does understand you, which is why you’re sleeping on the couch in the first place.

2) Separated from previously mentioned wonderful wife. Just like you can't be "kinda pregnant," you can't be "kinda married." There’s no gray area here.

3) Blowing the ink dry on your divorce decree. Come see me after you’ve finished plowing through the entire female population of your apartment building and corner bar. On second thought, please don't come see me after that. Ick.

4) Still living with a female of whom you have carnal knowledge. I don’t care if it was three years ago, you were both drunk the one time it happened, and that now she’s just like a little sister to you. If you’ve told me about it, you’re still thinking about it. Yes, the economy does suck. Get a male roommate.

5) Still communicating with your off-again girlfriend in some kind of co-dependent melodrama wherein you are still the person she calls to come fix her flat tire. Come on. If she could call you, she could call AAA, too. You’re not really buying that story are you?

6) Talking about your ex within the first hour of our first date, or during the last hour of our third date for that matter. Look, I’m not one of the guys. And it doesn’t make me feel sorry for you. It makes me feel sorry for her.

So, while you are very handsome, charming, and successful, I have to say "no, thank you" to your invitation. Well, I don't have to, but I'm going to.

I know you don’t want to be alone right now. And I'm sure you really could use a friend to lean on. Of course, this would be a tough transition for anyone. We really do get along great, and I do like you very much.

But, I like me more.

Now, go get your shit together, and then you can call me.